Honesty

I realize I usually use this as a space to tell stories about the kids and our life. This helps me remember things as they happen and so I can scrapbook when i have the chance! :) I do need to be honest with myself and realize I need to sometime use this space as a way to clear my thoughts and acknowledge how I am feeling. So...here it goes:

Motherhood is bringing me to my knees with the realization I can not protect my children from everything in this world. I know that is a blanket statement, but it has been a rough day. I had to see the blood of both of my children today. That is not something I want to have to do. Pumpkin has been having "belly ache" issues for a little more than 2 months now. We have gone through all the regular testing at her doctor and now are seeing a GI. We had our first appointment today and are running another gamete of tests. The poor girl did not make the weight limit to take all the blood needed for the tests in one sitting. So...I had to take her today to get blood drawn and again on Monday or Tuesday. Having to bear hug my little girl while she is screaming for people to stop hurting her broke my heart.

I know these things are necessary, but I feel like I am causing my child harm. I am the one bringing her to these appointments. I am the one holding her while she is being pricked and prodded. Yes, I realize it is to help her escape her pain. Yes, I know it will help solve this problem. Yes, I know this is the role of a parent. But...it does not make it any easier.

I can not get over the feeling of not being able to protect Critter. I almost had to bring Critter back to the ER for a fall and head wound. This time we were all sitting together. Pumpkin, Critter and I were sitting on her bed. Pumpkin wanted to pray with her Mary statue and Critter wanted to sit next to her. We were having a really nice moment....and then Critter fell. He just toppled over the side of her bed. Of course one of her drawers on her dresser was not fully closed. He caught the point of the drawer an inch or so above his ear. He let out the blood curtailing scream and started bleeding. I just felt helpless. Luckily, it stopped bleeding really quickly and looked just like a small bump. But, for those few minutes while waiting it out....all I could picture was bringing him to the hospital, again.

I have never felt so powerless in my life.

I feel powerless over the love I feel for my children.

I feel powerless over things happening to them I can't control.

I feel powerless over what the future holds for them.

I feel powerless about just about everything.

I know I can not put my kids in a bubble. I want them to experience the fullest life they can possibly have. I realize that means they are going to get hurt and make mistakes in life. I am their mother. I am here to give them a shoulder to cry on, a lap to sit on and a hug whenever they need it. I can not help but want to protect them from the world, or at least anything sharp that can cause bleeding! :)

In any parenting or mothering book I have read, they can not accurately describe these feelings. I would like to say I wished someone had warned me, but I would not have believed them if they had told me. There is more joy and love than I could have imagined with this journey of motherhood. On the other side of that coin is the fear, pain and nerves that have to balance the joy and love. I wish I could brush off the hard feelings, but I can't. The only thing I can do is acknowledge them and try to be a better mother. So, I guess I will toast to this experience today and just wait for the next one ( I just really hope there is no more blood tomorrow ).